I watched the frustration grow on her face as she struggled to lift the ovary far enough out of the abdomen to get a clamp behind it. We were all sweating in the sticky tropical heat, but she was sweating more; it was her first spay, and it wasn’t going smoothly.
Eventually, despite a few stumbling blocks (and a fair amount of blood) she finished the surgery with minimal intervention from the mentoring team, but she was clearly upset.
She took a bottle of water and walked away to a quiet spot in the garden where she stayed, shoulders slumped, for quite some time.
Acceptable imperfection?
Later that day, in the car home, she still wasn’t happy, but was now willing to talk about it.
“You did really well. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” we all told her – and it was true, she had done well. She listened to what we had to say and cheered up a bit, but I could tell she still wasn’t entirely satisfied.
But this made me wonder: is telling someone to not be hard on himself or herself always the correct thing to say? Maybe by giving someone permission to accept less than great, we set him or her up for poor performance?
Wanting the best
A lot can be said for expecting yourself to perform well. If you accept mediocrity then mediocrity is what you’ll get, but by setting the bar high you are ensuring your rate of improvement will be rapid – and the end result will be excellence.
You are an intelligent and capable person, used to excelling in whatever you undertake, and you’re right to expect nothing less from yourself. You should aim to be an excellent surgeon – it’s just not going to happen today.
See, the thing you’re trying is very hard (harder than most of the things you’ve ever attempted), so let go of that idea you’ll be naturally great at it on your first attempt. That’s arrogance, not confidence.
This is going to take a bit of time to master – but master it you will.
Temper your expectations
Next time you are facing a difficult challenge, try this approach: set your expectations to the right level.
By all means, get yourself psyched – “I’ve got this… I can do it” – but be realistic: “It’s going to be hard… it’s unlikely I’ll be a prodigy at this… I’ll probably need some help.”
And when you’re done, and it wasn’t all smooth sailing, rather than sulk about it and berating yourself (“I suck at this… I’m such a bad surgeon…”, “Of course you do – what did you expect?”), try to be more specific with your self-flagellation.
Ask yourself: “What specifically did I struggle with? What one thing can I learn, practise or do to make myself a little bit better next time?”
Take the win
Finally, finish your post-game analysis on a positive note by celebrating the wins – however small.
“I spayed a dog. That takes courage and knowledge and skill. It didn’t die. I found the linea alba, even if it took me 15 minutes. I tied three good knots. Next time I’ll do six.”
By all means, be hard on yourself when it comes to your long-term expectations, but also remember to be kind to yourself, proud of what you have achieved, and a bit more patient.
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