I’ve written before about client complaints and how to deal with them, but what about truly abusive clients?
We’ll differentiate between the two by classifying your standard “complaining client” as someone who has, at least in their eyes, a valid complaint that could potentially be resolved if handled correctly, while the “abusive client” will move far beyond the actual problem and start focusing on ways to hurt you – they will insult you, attack your values, and question your motives.
These are the kind of interactions that can have you lying awake at night ruminating about what was said, what you should have said, and eventually questioning those very same values and motives that your attacker targeted.
Mental armour
Some practical considerations for protecting yourself and your business in these situations won’t be discussed here, but what I do want to talk about is how to protect your mental and emotional states when you are on the receiving end of a truly abusive client.
Over the years I’ve cobbled together the following techniques as a makeshift kind of mental armour, based on wisdom gathered through reading and listening to people much wiser than me. This armour is far from impenetrable, but it does seem to help lessen the damage inflicted by those who wish to harm me. Perhaps it can do the same for you.
1. Learn to identify where my thoughts go
It’s so easy to slip into negative thought spirals without even realising it. For me, this means some form of mindfulness training and meditation.
2. Recognise what my mind is trying to do
When my mind pulls me into those play-by-play rumination sessions, it’s trying to protect future me by reviewing the situation so I can learn from it. Useful in moderation, toxic when done in excess.
So, once I’ve given it a reasonable amount of thought and I’m happy that I’ve learned what I needed to learn, I’ll tell myself (out loud): “Thanks brain, I know you’re trying to help me, but I think we’ve got this covered. Now let’s move along.”
3. Ask myself: “Is anything this person is saying true?”
Am I/was I dishonest or wilfully trying to deceive? Am I a bad person? If the answer is yes then I need to grow, and I’ll shift my focus on to what I need to do to achieve that growth.
If the answer is no…
4. Ask myself: “Do I want to be this upset about this?”
Because as much as the other person is the trigger for my emotions – my response and my emotions are 100% mine.
Once I’ve established that “this is not how I want to feel today, nor where I want to spend my energy or what I want to allocate my attention to”, then it’s much easier to go: “You know what, f*** this, I’m moving on.”
5. Ask myself: “Did I really think my life would be without problems?”
I’m prone to indulging in pity-parties – “I don’t deserve this, why me…” – but the reality is that life is a series of problems that need to be solved, so when a biggie comes my way I need to distance myself from feeling that the world is out to get me, and see it as just another problem to solve.
This approach should help, but it won’t make it go away entirely. The good news is that a week, month or a year from now, you’ll laugh at how upset it made you.
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